Lying

How do you get over yourself?

How do you move on?

Why do bad things happen to you and no one else?

My 17 year old daughter asked me this today over the phone

Mind you, I know you are thinking “how come you have a daughter who is 17 and you are only 24?”

I have held her when she was a baby, I have seen her as she discovered the world with her big bright eyes.

I have taken her to proms and helped her crash study for history and English.

And today I have seen her as her heart broke for the first time.

And I let her talk.

I wanted to comfort her but I remembered that there is a pain that cannot be comforted.

That first heart break.

That numb pain, where you feel your world crashing in a single instant,

When you cannot take it and cannot stop crying.

Where you feel that this person is the only one you can ever be with and no one else could take his place.

I wanted to tell her that there will be others, that she will love again.

That she will wear that white dress for the man she loves

But deep down I felt that I would be lying if I said that.

She will never love that way again.

She will feel love again.

But she will be cautious, hesitant, calculating, manipulating her own heart into believing things that may or may happen, things she may or may not feel.

Her scale will go up with each failure, demanding things she may or may not need.

She will be sheltered within herself ,guarded, isolated within her own broken heart.

The truth is I lied to her today, told her to calm down and forget about him, knowing all too well she will
be looking for him in the arms of every man she is with.

I didn’t want to tell her that her heart will sink when she runs into her first love. That the first woman she will learn to hate is the one he is going to marry.

As I spoke to her I regretted all my lies.

you see, for he walked in, my first and only man,my first love,my first dream, and yes, he was holding her hand and he was smiling.

After 745 days, when I had last held his hand.

My heart still sank.

And I still lied.

Insomniac

The fact that I am sleepless today is making me more sleepless than ever.

I have been sleepless for a very long time.

Mind you, I do sleep, as in drift into this weird realm of dreams that are so real and yet never seem to make sense.

But I still drag myself out of bed every morning feeling sleep deprived.

But today I have had it.

One sentence kept echoing forever in my head today; “writing is a lonely business”. And I know exactly why it is.

You see,for years now I try to mix water with fire and it never seems to work.

I am either burnt or drowned.

You can never be a socialite and a writer.

It just does not work.

And I have to choose.

For I am tired.

I love lonliness but I am also dying for company.

I have so many people in my life that I just can’t seem to connect to.

For all fairness, the only thing I own is my thoughts and these are exactly the one thing everyone
seems to want out of me.

And the one thing I can’t provide.

And I am really tired.

I want so many things, I desire so many things, and I am hurt by so many things.

I want to ……… but I can’t.

Story of my life……..

I want to have all the friends in the world but I can’t compromise my privacy.

I want to have all the money I need but I can’t risk my ethics.

I want to have children but I can’t seem to choose the best father I can give them.

I want to walk everywhere but I fear what I might meet down the road.

I want to have someone to run back home to but I can’t seem to find him.

I want so many things.

I don’t want to be lonely.

But I crave it most of the time.

I am still sleepless but I have made my choice.

I m alone in crowds, I am a people’s person who does not like to be around people most of the time.

I will go home to no one.

I will hope for no one,I will dream of nothing.

I want to sleep.

And I will sleep.

An endless sleep, a dark black empty sleep.

And I will love it.

Queen of Small Details

A few Years ago when my life was more simpler.

When I had not been aware of depression, heartbreak, bad karma and all the rest.

When I was not aware of the bad world lurking outside my father’s arms.

I was in love.

Simple love, where things simply did fit it. Every small little detail made sense.

Detail…..that word always found a place in my life. And for that he tended to call me “the Queen of small details”

And in a sense, I was.

I was aware of every little thing that ever happened, I remembered everything in every sense, people were not just people, they were smells,features,smiles, clothes and words.

And I always remembered all these details.

Life went on, I was no longer in love, no longer sheltered, no longer dependant, the one thing that never failed me in this world was my ability to remember detail.

But lately I have been growing tired, the queen simply no longer wanted to reign detail.

I wanted to abdicate the throne.

I wanted to just flow through life. I wanted to start a clean slate of my perception of life.

You see, the thing is I was not the one ruling small details, small details were the one in charge.

Small details dictated my feelings and actions. And I went through life following whatever these small details.

Mind you, they come quite handy sometimes, I see things in people others can’t, that was my edge.

That was what created the script writer, the novelist, the story teller that I am today.

I am thankful for small details, they were very loyal subjects to me.

But I am 27 years old, and I have yet to find my big picture, I do not know what big picture. I can describe every little scene in my life in every detail there is.

But I don’t know what big pictures are.

I don’t know where I fit in as,a small detail, in the big canvas that is life.

Now what?