Insomniac

The fact that I am sleepless today is making me more sleepless than ever.

I have been sleepless for a very long time.

Mind you, I do sleep, as in drift into this weird realm of dreams that are so real and yet never seem to make sense.

But I still drag myself out of bed every morning feeling sleep deprived.

But today I have had it.

One sentence kept echoing forever in my head today; “writing is a lonely business”. And I know exactly why it is.

You see,for years now I try to mix water with fire and it never seems to work.

I am either burnt or drowned.

You can never be a socialite and a writer.

It just does not work.

And I have to choose.

For I am tired.

I love lonliness but I am also dying for company.

I have so many people in my life that I just can’t seem to connect to.

For all fairness, the only thing I own is my thoughts and these are exactly the one thing everyone
seems to want out of me.

And the one thing I can’t provide.

And I am really tired.

I want so many things, I desire so many things, and I am hurt by so many things.

I want to ……… but I can’t.

Story of my life……..

I want to have all the friends in the world but I can’t compromise my privacy.

I want to have all the money I need but I can’t risk my ethics.

I want to have children but I can’t seem to choose the best father I can give them.

I want to walk everywhere but I fear what I might meet down the road.

I want to have someone to run back home to but I can’t seem to find him.

I want so many things.

I don’t want to be lonely.

But I crave it most of the time.

I am still sleepless but I have made my choice.

I m alone in crowds, I am a people’s person who does not like to be around people most of the time.

I will go home to no one.

I will hope for no one,I will dream of nothing.

I want to sleep.

And I will sleep.

An endless sleep, a dark black empty sleep.

And I will love it.